THE TOP 10 REASONS TO VISIT HOLLYWOOD BLVD AT NIGHT

The Writing 1 Students at The Second City Hollywood Present...

The Top 10 Reasons to Visit Hollywood Blvd at Night

10. You can buy your Mom that "Best Mom in the Whole Wide World Oscar statuette she's always been dreaming of.

9. See what its like to be stuck in traffic at 3am.

8. Fanny packs make spotting and robbing tourist a breeze.

7. After 7pm, parking meters dispense breath mints and condoms.

6. At night, the homeless transform into Andy Dick's entourage.

5. Pot luck hookers.

4. You can get a tattoo with 100% guarantee of hepatitis.

3. The streets are covered in fresh urine, not day old.

2. It's the only place you can see a tranny get in a fight with SpongeBob.

1. Scientology never sleeps.

New US Quarters!

By Writing 2, Saturdays 3pm - 6:30pm

These new US quarters have just been approved by the U.S. Mint.

Each quarter will have a new State image and Slogan:


(Rey Gonzalez's suggestions)

Pennsylvania - Lots of Quakers all over the back. "Not a lot of oatmeal, surprisingly."

California - Red Hot Chili Peppers on the back. "Don't forget this state exists. Ever."

Illinois - Blagojevich smiling on the back. "Our business is politics. Business is good."

Iowa - "Idaho"

West Virginia - John Denver on the back.

Indiana - Lots of white people. The coin weighs 350 pounds.

Mississippi - Dixie Flag on the back. "State name with most efficient use of four letters."


(Nicholas Dossman's suggestions)

North Dakota
Image: A guy shrugging
Text saying: North of South Dakota?

Georgia
Image: Guy eats a peach.
Text saying: Tastes just like my sister.

Oklahoma
Image: Disgruntled women sharing coffee.
Text: The farthest most bestest place to send your ex-girlfriends.

"This is Your Life"

By Andrew Bukstein
Writing 1
Friday 11am - 2:30pm

Here is a piece I wrote in class today. It was a monologue for the game-show, "This is Your Life." Today's contestant is Tyler Kennedy - and the Mystery Guest is his 'escaped pet bird', speaking from behind a screen, revealing only a silhouette of the bird in his cage.

______________

Chirp chirp chirp, tweet tweet. Those were the only 2 English words I knew. Until one fateful day - July 29th 1939. The War was raging in Europe. America was still waiting. Just like I was peacefully waiting in my cage. Hanging upside-down like David Carradine, when suddenly I saw Tyler Kennedy walk through "Peter's Pretty Pet Shop". He wanted a friend, he wanted a canary; he wanted me. And for only seventeen cents, he took me and my home into HIS home; OUR home. Tyler used to love it when I would perch on his round and stubby finger. I was so happy perching that I would burst into song, (tweet tweet tweet!) We shared a lovely life together for eleven years, six months and fifteen days. Then one day, Tyler came home with a small grey kitten. I took one look into the kitten's lightening-green eyes and knew that if I was to stay, surely this creature would be my demise. Heart-broken but fearing for my life, I packed what I could fit of my things in to my little red suitcase and flew away to Mexico that night. I never forgot Tyler and always hoped that the kitten would leave so I could return...

I'm sorry, I am just so overwhelmed by emotions right now...

He taught me how to talk - he taught me to love and for that I will always be grateful.

RESULTS OF THE 2010 CENSUS

The Second City's Hollywood Writing 2 Class (Saturday 3 - 6:30pm) presents...

Results of the 2010 Census

41% of adults reported seeing a UFO last year, 69% of adults reported fucking with their neighbors at night.

16% of the US population identified their racial heritage as "other" on the Census form. We now know the aliens have arrived.

6% of the population likes Cheetos.

15% of people are unemployed. 90% of the unemployed blame Obama. The other 10% also blame Obama.

Two out of three ain't bad.

.1% of men who enter a gentleman's club are gentlemen.

70% of people live in houses. 26% of people live in apartments. 100% of people whose favorite movie is Avatar, live in a home.

87% of angry voice mails in America are left by Mel Gibson and Alec Baldwin.

CBS is 92% CSI

Nobody eats at Quizno's anymore.

TOP 10 REASONS FOR THE GULF OIL SPILL

Second City Hollywood's Writing 1 Class (Writing 11 - 2:30pm) presents:

Top 10 Reasons for the Gulf Oil Spill

10. Bubba Gump hates competition

9. The pelicans did it.

8. The man drilling watches too much Jersey Shore and wanted to be the next "Situation".

7. Needed to get rid of those pesky mermaids once and for all.

6. Children in the gulf coast love deformities.

5. Seals botched a fur dying attempt.

4. The US was jealous of the Nigerian oil spill disaster that has been raging for what...20 years?

3. God thought it would be a good opening for the end of days.

2. Obama doesn't care about whitefish.

And the number one reason for the Gulf Oil Spill...

1. BP = Bad planning

Helps To Be An Older Man

I had an interesting experience involving gender roles and customer service yesterday. I’m not sure how I feel about it.

My friend Katie and I were traveling on American Airlines from Charleston, South Carolina to Los Angeles and we almost missed our connecting flight in Miami. Our flight from Charleston was late by 30 minutes – which was American’s fault. Once we got off the bus that carried us from the open tarmac to the terminal, we Jackie Joyner-Kersey-ed it from our tiny American Eagle flight allllll the way the hell to the other end of the terminal. Five other people ran behind us from the same flight. When we got to the LAX-bound flight, the gate was totally empty. We could clearly see the plane outside and luggage was in the process of being loaded, the cement blocks were still in place and the jetway was still attached to the plane. But no one was around. So I tripped the alarm by pushing a door marked “Employees Only” to get some service, and three minutes later, the gate attendant showed up. (Nice to know American’s response time is so quick should there ever be a real emergency. HaHa.)

The American employee was completely frazzled. We told her we wanted on the flight and she said, “Absolutely not.” Then, and here’s the interesting part: the two older white men who were part of our group from Charleston trying to make that flight started yelling at her. The yelling made her quickly change her answer to: I have to check with my supervisor. When the supervisor got to the scene, she also said, “Absolutely not!” about our question of getting on the plane. The two older white men started in on her, and lo’ and behold, after a few minutes of berating her, we were allowed on the plane.

I sure am happy we made the flight! We should have, after all. The plane didn’t leave for another several minutes after we boarded, so it would have been asinine if we weren’t allowed on and then just watched it sit there. However, the whole experience made me realize that if it had just been Katie and I – two women in our early 30s - yelling at those female gate attendants, we would not have been allowed on. Period. Those women responded to those older white men yelling at them. They bent their dumb rules because older men were yelling at them.

Again, I’m so glad those men yelled because as a result, we got on that plane and made it home before midnight. But the experience definitely gave me pause for thought. Should I be happy that female customer service employees will bend for men and not for other women? What does that say about our society? What if I told you the female flight attendants were Hispanic? They were. Does that make a difference in this story? I’m not sure.

What do you think??

Pranks

By: Marc Warzecha

It's fun to put people in odd situations and see how they react.

I've always felt this way; I guess it's connected to the part of me that is drawn to performance.

But ideally, for me, it's about not just any reaction.

It's about getting the laugh.

In first grade, I sliced a little lunchroom milk container in half and set these two eraser-top monsters inside. The milk carton was now their spaceship. They flew from desk to desk and talked to the other students until I was told that I was weird and it was time to go away.

Not the reaction I wanted.

In high school some friends and I dressed up in costumes (you know, like a princess, a star trek officer, and a dark child of the underworld) and walked around the mall. We didn't act crazy or anything. That would have ruined it. We just walked around like this was completely normal and watched how people reacted. It was hilarious to us, of course, but just weirded out the shoppers.

Lately I've been walking around with a new prank. One that's right on my face. 24/7.

I'm missing half of my left eyebrow.

That's right. Half of my left eyebrow is totally F'n gone. It's been like that for over six months, and how it even happened is unclear. I first noticed it about two weeks after a haircut. It looked like a chunk of my eyebrow had been accidentally shaved off when being "trimmed."

Then the hair under that fell out.

I've been keeping a tally: who says stuff about it and when.

Most people say nothing. They are too polite, and probably think something serious is wrong with me. For all they know I'll break down in tears…

"This is the first stage of alopeica! My eyelashes are next! Help me!!!"

Heck, for all I know this IS the first stage of alopecia. What the hell am I doing writing this blog? I should get to a doctor.

My oldest friend Steve noticed in two seconds: "Dude, what happened to your eyebrow?"

My friend and frequent writing partner Andy was suddenly shocked to discover it mid-writing session: "Hey, did you shave your eyebrow or something?"

While visiting Chicago last week, my friend Denise held it in for a few hours before it finally exploded: "What the fuck happened to your eyebrow?"

When I told her I wasn't really sure…

she laughed.