Thursday, April 15, 2010

An Open Letter to the World's Scientist

Jonathan Browning
Guest Blogger

Dear Eggheads,


You heard me. It is 2010 and if I want to transport myself from one location to another, my options are limited to earthbound devices. Why am I not pushing a small, red, hand held plunger that ignites the pack on my back to lift me (gently) into the air where I have the option of hovering or propelling myself headlong through the sky? What's the hold up?

Here are some of the things invented in the past 60 years; the remote control ('55), the birth control pill ('57), jet airliners ('58), Music synthesizers ('64), high yield rice ('66), smoke detectors ('69), Automated Teller Machines ('69)Cell Phones ('73), GPS ('78) and Prozac ('87).

The TV remote was invented in 1955! Do you know when the first TV show aired? Me either. I tried to google it but all I could find were a bunch of websites that talked about the first episode of Friends and how long it took Rachel & Ross to hook up. So let's just say TV started in the 30's. It took less than 30 years for scientist to say, "I am sick and tired of walking six feet to my television set in order to change the channel. To the lab!" And how many channels were even available in 1955? Two? Three? Again, I don't know. I'm not very good at utilizing the google search. But if you type in "Chuck Norris" and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky" that is some pretty funny stuff. Anyway, these guys were sitting there, six feet from the TV and they are so desperate to see what is on one of the other two channels that they invented a device to switch the station. It was no easy task. Nearly 400 men were killed in the building of the first remote control. The locals referred to it as "The Widow Maker". It was only spoken of in hushed tones and whispers.

Then we jump up to 1958 and look what we have here...The Jet Airliner. They are now so close they can taste it. Massive jets are breaking free of the Earth like Daedalus. (The much less famous father of Icarus. Why memorialize the one that ignored sound advice and plummeted to his death? His Dad was the one with a sound plan to escape King Minos' punishment for them both. But nobody remembers old Daedalus. You know what Icarus could of used? A jet pack.) But I digress. Hey brainiacs, how about taking the technology you invented in '58 and just making it smaller. Throw a couple of those jet rockets in the back of a knapsack, put on a football helmet and let's get this thing done!

In 1957 you created a digestible pill that would literally prevent the creation of human life. Since the dawn of time women have involuntarily released an egg. You made something that says, "Um, nope. No more of that, thank you." 53 years ago you had the technology to alter the very fabric of nature. Yet, I am still putting one foot in front of the other, like some kind of jerk, whenever I want to go someplace.

Don't even get me started on your high yield rice and your fancy Green Revolution! The same goes for your hoity toity smoke detectors, ATMs, cell phones and Prozacs. All would have been obsolete once the jet pack was invented. Oh my God, my house is on fire! Luckily I can just fly out of that hole in my roof IN MY JET PACK! I could use a little cash this weekend to see a movie....OR...I could just spend the weekend spinning around IN MY JET PACK! Hm, I wonder what my friends are doing at the mall. I could speak to them on a tiny voice box or I could just fly over there and hang out with them IN MY JET PACK! Prozac? Who could get depressed when they have a jet pack? I didn't forget Music synthesizers. You know what's cooler than a guy hovering with a jet pack? A guy hovering with a jet pack while playing the synthesizer. Throw that guy in a leather jump suit and now you have yourself an awesome 80's music video!

We are a divide nation right now. You want to get the Tea Baggers and the Tree Huggers to unite? Give them a jet pack! I long for the day when Sarah Palin says, "What's my International experience? I can see Russia from my jet pack." Every time I get on a plane, get in a car or place one foot in front of the other...the terrorist win.

Now, just give me my jet pack.

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